If We Love, We Grieve

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for your loss. 

I’m sorry for the agony you’re in. 

I’m sorry that you’re reading this right now. 

Even though we’ve never met, I know a few things about you: I know that you’re in the worst pain you’ve ever felt. I know that you can’t stop—or, in some cases, start—crying. I know that you may have thought about not being here anymore. I know that there are no words that can make you feel any better. 

I know these things because I am you. I am you in the future. I am you a few years down the road, once you make it through to the other side of where you’re going. Right now, you have no idea where you’re going, and that’s where I come in.

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not a psychologist, social worker or trauma expert, although I am a grief counselor at Our House Grief Support Center here in Los Angeles, and also sit on its Board of Directors. I’m not even a particularly spiritual person. I’m just a father who is compelled to help fathers and sons who, like me, have lost someone they loved.

The second thing you should know is that I don’t pull any punches. The last thing I want to do is add to your anguish, because I know that pain all too well. But I won’t sugarcoat things and tell you that everything is going to be all right. It’s never going to be all right and there’s no such thing as closure. Grief isn’t something that you overcome…but you can learn to live with it.

Let’s talk. I’m happy to share what I’ve learned and you’ll find that I’m a good listener.

Larry Carlat has worked as an editor at Rolling Stone, Men’s Health, and WebMD. He has written for The New York Times Magazine, Esquire, GQ, Men’s Journal, Men's Health, Antenna, Psychology Today and Slam. He is also the author of A Space in the Heart: A Survival Guide for Grieving Parents to be published by Rowman & Littlefield in 2024. He lives in Venice, CA with his girlfriend and his dog, Joe.